Let’s Talk About Suicide

The Shame Problem

Shame is a powerful emotion. It keeps us quiet. It keeps us hiding. It isolates us and tells us there is something inherently wrong with us. That we are defective. That we don’t, can’t, and never will fit in. That we don’t matter. It tells us that we are a hopeless cause, and that we will be endlessly stuck in the same perpetual rut. When lies like this circle around and around in our minds with little truth or light or positivity to counter them, we may enter into a dangerous place.

Simply bringing up the word suicide immediately and automatically stirs up shame in many of us. I believe this is one of the reasons why the topic is so infrequently discussed. As human beings, we naturally want to avoid things that cause us shame, pain, or even discomfort. Suicide is a topic that many people feel that we shouldn’t talk about. The word carries a stigma with it. It’s a challenge that only “those people” face. “Those people” who are “weak.” “Those people” who need “help.” “Those people” who are worse off than all of the rest of “us.” My theory is, maybe just maybe, some of us have secret thoughts about it that we don’t tell anyone about, and that we beat ourselves up for, because shame tells us that we should be better than “those people.” 

Be nice to yourself

I believe that shame is a precursor to suicidal thoughts and actions 100% of the time. So understanding how to identify and fight shame will also help us to fight suicidal thoughts and actions. It all starts in our mind. As you know, every action is preceded by a thought. And when the thoughts in our minds are void of hope, we often begin making unhealthy choices. The first step towards fighting shame is awareness. It’s so important for each of us to very intentionally and conscientiously think about what we are thinking about. What does your self talk sound like? 

• Are you kind to yourself? 
• Do you like yourself? 
• Do you think highly of yourself?
• Do you believe you deserve kindness, love, and to be given a break?

Even before I had my daughter, I would sometimes gauge my kindness towards myself by considering the following: would I want someone else to speak to my child the way I speak to myself? 

We have to choose each day, each moment even, to be kind to ourselves (even and especially when others are not kind to us). I encourage you to make this a priority, for the sake of stress reduction, shame reduction, and your overall emotional and mental health. Check out this Ted Talk by shame expert Brené Brown. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iCvmsMzlF7o 

My own negative thoughts

My last post was about not passing Step 1 (a board exam taken during medical school) the first time I took it. I found out about 6 weeks ago that I did pass the second time, which I am certainly happy about and grateful for. But between not passing the first time and taking it the second time, I mentioned how my peace of mind went down the drain for awhile, and I got to a pretty dark place. This is what happened.

I was angry at God about my test. I was also angry at and ashamed of myself because I believed the lie that this test determined my value, which meant that I was a failure (= BAD self talk). So I avoided talking to Him for awhile, but eventually, knowing that I was going to stay stuck until I made a different decision, I started gradually opening up to Him about how I was feeling. As I started praying, I actually started feeling worse and worse. But as I kept pushing through all the static, I started to recognize that my overall anger towards God boiled down to the fact that I was angry at Him for not protecting me from pain. I felt like He wasn’t doing His fatherly duty. Which I told Him. Then He reminded me that He never promised that life would be pain free, but that He would constantly remain with us through the pain. He told me that pain is a part of life, which He uses to help us grow and to develop things in us that can only be developed as a result of pain. 

Well, that made me mad. So I told Him…with Him being infinitely creative, that He should be able to come up with a different way of teaching us those things. …Well, then I felt really disrespectful, and I shut down again for awhile, in a meager attempt to “hide” from Him. I now understand that it’s vital to let things like this out because 1) He already knows anyway, and 2) this level of vulnerability with God (or with anyone) breeds intimacy. It absolutely does NOT make God angry when we are honest with Him. (Again – He already knows anyway.) I should have just continued the conversation, and listened for His response.

But I didn’t. Instead, as I said, I shut down again. And this is when things got really dark. I don’t know exactly why or how the thoughts started, but I am certain that my conscious decision to disengage from Jesus played a role in my experience. After disengaging the second time, the thoughts started subtly, with things like – “I wonder, what would happen if I wasn’t here any more?” The thoughts went on for 2 days. I didn’t have a plan, so I determined that I didn’t need to reach out to anyone. But I still should have. I frequently thought about the trauma that my making this decision would create for my daughter, which repeatedly put a damper on me seriously considering it. But I was still thinking about it. I was wondering if people would be better off without me here, if anyone’s life would really be drastically impacted. I kept thinking about what I would write in the note I left if I did make this choice. 

On the second day of thinking these thoughts, while I was preparing to brush my teeth, the Holy Spirit very distinctly nudged me to talk to Him about what I had been thinking and feeling. I sensed Him, but I felt ashamed. Shame is NOT from God, but I felt shame because there was a lie looming around in my mind which said “if you were really the Christian you say you are, you wouldn’t be thinking suicidal thoughts.” (= BAD self talk. I thought I should have been better than “those people.”) I did my best to push past that lie, and I chose to talk to God about my suicidal thoughts. 

I asked Him why I had been thinking these thoughts. And while I was brushing my teeth on that Wednesday morning, He said:

“The reason you are thinking about suicide is because you think it will be an escape from the pain that you feel. But it won’t be. It will just transition you into a different type of pain. Into separation from Me. Right now, although you are hurting, I AM present with you. If you make that decision, you will enter into an eternal state of separation from Me. And that’s the most painful, scariest place to be, Daughter.”

Now let me just say, this is what I sensed Him tell me. As far as the question of whether individuals who do commit suicide go to heaven, hell, purgatory, or somewhere else – I am by no means a judge, expert, or theologian. Personally, I believe it’s not a 1-size-fits-all type deal. And I don’t find it helpful to speculate, because we have little to nothing to base any speculation on. Again, this is just what I heard Him tell me.

Hearing Him speak to me about this was precisely what I needed in that moment. More than anything else, I needed to reconnect with Him. Soon after this, I shared my experience with some close friends and with my therapist, and my thought pattern began significantly improving. I am so grateful for the TRUTH that we can talk to our Heavenly Father about ANYTHING, however dark or ugly it might be, and that He can handle it. 

If you are someone who has dealt or is dealing with suicidal thoughts, please reach out to someone. TALK about what you are thinking about. You are absolutely NOT the only one thinking about it, and you are not alone!

A quick word on medical student mental health…

In closing, I just want to briefly share my opinion that the mental health of many medical students in this country takes a big hit during medical school. It’s not supposed to be easy to become a doctor, and medical school is understandably difficult. But I think both medical students as well as the institutions in which they study need to continue to advocate for safe spaces and opportunities for us to talk about our feelings! Many of us students don’t like to do this because we are all about science and facts and logic. But we are still human beings with all sorts of feelings, and it’s important to be able to safely express those every once in awhile with folks who are in the same boat.