I recently had the chance to share this at a “Story Slam” event for medical professionals in the Twin Cities. It was written about a month ago, at the very end of my first year of residency.
The thought that a first-year resident could actually exist with some semblance of peace of mind is, in and of itself, countercultural. We are all stressed and anxious, particularly so in the midst of a worldwide pandemic. We are overachievers and we are often unkind to ourselves. This leaves plenty of room for torment at the hands of that familiar liar known as Imposter Syndrome.
My bout with Imposter Syndrome (which I will occasionally refer to here as Lady Liar) started during my second year of medical school, after I failed my first attempt at Step 1 of the USMLE. I remember well the day that I received my score. As soon as I saw it, Lady Liar started whispering: “See? You’re not smart enough for this. You don’t have what it takes. You shouldn’t even be here. You might as well just give up.”
Sound familiar?
From then on, she was unrelenting. Whenever I made a mistake, or answered a question wrong on rounds: “See? You’re never going to learn this stuff.” During every group project: “They all know much more than you, why even try?” She became a constant presence, which only amplified once I started residency.
Many of us interns start residency with the belief that the goal of residency is to gain as much knowledge as possible. Until very recently, I have heard Lady Liar’s callous voice loud and clear: “If ‘they’ ever found out how little you really know, ‘they’ wouldn’t let you be a doctor.” Being found out by this enigmatic “they” has terrified me, and has robbed me of my peace on many a day this past year.
Peace of mind is something that I value deeply, but peace of mind and Imposter Syndrome cannot coexist. I have had the occasional brave moment throughout this year when I had the audacity to challenge Lady Liar in pursuit of my peace. I have learned that the most important way to challenge her is to talk about my experiences with her. In doing so, I have inadvertently come to the realization that I am not the only person she torments! We each suffer silently with SO many of the same struggles, never wanting to speak up and seem like the weak one. Consequently, these hushed lies become SO powerful, and can do so much damage to our self-perception. I am learning that courage and vulnerability can build bridges by shining light on our common challenges. The power that Lady Liar has over me is gradually being defeated by my choice to expose her.
The main goal of residency is NOT to leave knowing everything. We will learn many things because of the time that we put in, and this is a necessary and important byproduct of achieving the main goal of residency. This first year has taught me that the main goal of residency is to develop my professional identity. To learn about and discover myself, and to decide what kind of doctor I want to be. It’s about being molded and shaped by my experiences and my mentors, gleaning from those who are more experienced than I, and adopting practices and habits that resonate with me as my own. It’s okay that I don’t know everything. In fact, no one does, and no one expects me to. Time and experience are excellent teachers; I can simply trust the process.
Lying to me about my identity is what Imposter Syndrome does best. It’s up to me to take back the reins and define my identity for myself. Who do I want to be? How do I want people to talk about me? How do I want to be remembered? My first year of residency is NOT too early to think about the professional legacy that I want to leave. Lady Liar tries to shame me when I have these thoughts about my future, asking “who do you think you are?”
So I tell her.
I am a minority woman, a supportive wife, and an excellent mother, who cares deeply about her family AND her career. I am a cherished daughter, a dear sister, and a close friend. I am a family physician with a bright future who has worked hard and earned (NOT been given) the right to be here. I am a learner, and I need help. I am resilient. I am resourceful. And I am right where I am supposed to be.
JLDM 