Failing a Test Does Not Make Me a Failure

Step 1 of the USMLE. We med students are taught early on that this licensure exam is the most important test that we will ever take. That our future success hangs on the 3 digit number that we get back on our score report. That “just passing” is not good enough. And that failing is not an option.

Welp. I did. I know right? Yikes!

WHAT HAPPENED?

I’m in a constant, ongoing process of figuring out what it looks like to balance the most important parts of my life, especially my family and school. During the first half of my designated study time, I had my daughter with me while I was studying. I knew this would prove challenging, but daycare costs are sky high, and without my refund from school during this designated study time, we just couldn’t swing it. This is certainly not an excuse. It was simply my situation. When it was all said and done, I just didn’t have the uninterrupted time that I needed in order to adequately prepare for the exam. The week before the test, per my husband’s suggestion, I stayed at a hotel by myself so that I could finish preparing to the best of my ability. Some of my classmates pushed the test back – I didn’t know what that entailed at the time, and I didn’t inquire about it. I was burned out. Stressed out. Missing my family. And ready to put this test behind me. I knew that I didn’t feel as ready as I wanted to, but I did my best with the time I had, I prayed (a lot), and I went for it.

WHEN YOUR BIGGEST FEAR BECOMES A REALITY

During the test, I was guessing way more answers than I wanted to, and I felt scared that I wouldn’t pass from the time I left the testing center. I actually cried when I got home. I then resorted to wine and Netflix to make me feel slightly better. At that point, I realized, what was done was done. I did my best not to think negative thoughts about it over the next several weeks until I received my score. I kept praying, as did many of my friends and family members, and we all felt certain that God would do His thing and make sure I passed.

It’s a strange feeling. Blatantly not getting the thing you were so trusting and believing God for. Did I not have enough faith? Didn’t He care? Wasn’t He supposed to take care of me? My score was close to a passing score…He created the world and parted seas and raised the dead…surely He could add a few measly points to my score!! I was really angry. At God. At myself. At my circumstances. I questioned if I was really supposed to do this whole doctor thing. I believed I wasn’t smart enough. I thought about quitting school. In my anger, I avoided having anything more than very superficial conversations with God again for several weeks. I was constantly on edge and stressed out and frustrated during this time. I was very focused on the negative things around me. My mind became a rather dark place. It was not pretty.

WHAT I LEARNED

1. He can handle my anger

When I finally realized that my being so messed up in the head was a direct result of my choice not to include Jesus in my day to day (before receiving my score, this was my norm), I chose to try talking to Him again. I started out by talking to Him about how angry I was with Him. I told Him that I believed that He did not do His Fatherly duty. And that He didn’t take care of me the way He was supposed to. Now you might be thinking…she said that to GOD?? As you can see…He didn’t strike me with lightning:) I was initially afraid to share these things with Him, but I shared anyway because I knew that 1) He already knew anyway, 2) the longer I avoided it, the longer it would just continue to fester in me, and 3) He delights is our openness and honesty. He wants us to be vulnerable with Him in order to allow our relationship with Him to grow. He can take it.

2. My circumstances are NOT a reflection of God’s love for me

It did take me some time, but eventually I got it all out. It felt good. And I felt like He was happy that I was talking to Him. I sensed Him reminding me that His love for me and His plans for me are way huger than I can comprehend, and that He is with me in every painful circumstance. He corrected my faulty thinking, and reminded me that just because things did not go the way I wanted, absolutely did not mean that He was not doing His part or that I am not supposed to be a doctor. He is ALWAYS working behind the scenes. In ways that we are completely oblivious to until He chooses to make us aware. His love for us is constant and infinite. It never changes, regardless of what we do, what happens to us, or how we respond.

3. My value is NOT determined by a 3-digit number

Through this experience, I was also reminded that this test does not define me. No score, school, career, person, relationship, event, or decision will ever determine my worth or value. Being a daughter of the King of the universe – this is what defines me. He is my Maker and my Daddy and my Friend. He knows me better than I know me, and He says I’m worth more than rubies! I trust Him with my future. He will be with me in every moment of it.

NOW WHAT?

I retook the test a few days ago. It felt better than the first time…not quite so much guessing. I get my score in a few weeks. To be honest, I’m still not 100% sure I passed. I gotta say, though, my peace of mind is in full force and it’s completely from Jesus. I’m not worried. I’m not afraid. The thing that I was the most afraid would happen did happen. And it hurt. But it also sparked quite a bit of healing which I didn’t know I needed. But God did. If I had passed the first time, I would have still been believing that God’s love for me is attached to what I perceive that He does for me. And I would have felt smart and validated because a 3 digit number said so. I won’t go so far as to say I’m glad I didn’t pass, but I definitely see the fruit that came out of it, and I’m grateful that Jesus wants to heal me.