Me vs Boards…again

So I’m in the midst of studying for step 2. And I’m struggling. Foreal. Everyone around me tells me how step 2 is a piece of cake. Waaaay easier than step 1. A low stress study experience. Sooooo…does that mean there is something wrong with me? Why is it that me and these board exams just don’t get along? We’re not friends. They don’t like me. And it’s so stressful! For several reasons. 1) I didn’t do well on the first one. So much so that I had to take it twice. 2) Residency applications are right around the corner. And they care about these tests. I don’t know if I have a realistic perspective of how much they care. But I know they care. And I’m nervous that they won’t give my application a second look because of these three digit numbers. 3)…and this is the one probably giving me the most anxiety, although it’s less in the forefront…there is a constant whisper trickling throughout my head that is asking – how can you be a good doctor when you can’t pass these tests? I’m literally going to have an MD after my name in less than one year. Ummmmm. Terrifying. But also exhilarating and exciting! I know for a fact that the results of these standardized tests are not indicative of the type of doctor I will be. I know that I am wonderful with patients, that I am thorough, that I care, that if I don’t know the answer, I will find it, and be sure to go back to my patient’s room to share it with her. I know that I can make a mother feel calm and comfortable in the midst of her 3 year old son running around the exam room while I am trying to perform his well child check. I know that my patients trust me because I take the necessary time to earn their trust, to listen to them, to look them in the eye, to enter into their world for a moment. I am committed and I am well rounded and I am mature. I know that who I am as a person and as a physician is made up of a lot more than an exam score. I KNOW these things. But that ugly little voice is still there. Whispering. Teasing me. Judging me. Shaming me.

When I applied for medical school, I was almost 6 years post undergrad, 3 years post non-science masters. I gave myself a year to study for the mcat (my score wasn’t great on that either, but I didn’t struggle like I am now), and then I only applied to 5 schools because it costs so much money and energy just to APPLY, that I decided if it didn’t work out, I would just do something else with my life. And I got 4 interviews, and got into 2 schools and placed on 2 waitlists. Throughout that application process, the Lord very clearly and consistently nudged me and directed me toward the program that I also happened to be the most excited about, and where I believe he knew I would thrive the most, have the experiences I needed to have, and meet the people I needed to meet. I was pretty confident during the application process as to where I would end up going, and that was exactly what happened. I got into my first choice. That experience really grew my faith, and affirmed for me how trustworthy God is and that his plans for me are good. And I fully expect that, as long as I invite him in, he will take my hand and walk me through this residency application process in the same way. So even though I feel like this test is in my face right now, laughing at me, I feel confident that I will end up where I am supposed to be for residency. Occasionally, that confidence makes me feel less fearful about this step 2 challenge that is right in front of me. But a lot of times, it still doesn’t quite squash it.

So. I remain quite nervous. Yet truly confident that it will all work out in the end. Just very uncomfortable with how little information I have about exactly HOW it will work out. I have been in a process of learning to be ok with the unknown for awhile now. That used to terrify me. Now I understand that it’s just a part of life. Finding out that you are pregnant the second week of medical school will do that to you :-). I’m definitely not perfect at being ok with not knowing. I do, however, find great comfort in knowing that God is going to be with me through the entire process, and that he has demonstrated to me again and again that he deserves my trust. It will require a great deal of work on my part, it’s not just some magic poof action. But he will help me through it, and the results will be wonderful.

As for the present challenge, I might push this test back. The next practice test will decide that for me. We’ll see how it goes.