Doing away with Perfectionism

While perfectionism might seem like a positive quality to have, one that makes you better at the things that you do and causes you stand out from the mediocre, the thoughts that spin around in the minds of many perfectionists are nothing short of self deprecating. Perfectionism and negative self-talk go hand in hand. None of us can attain perfection because we are human. And even though we know this, something in us still drives us to strive for what we cannot reach. Thus, as perfectionists, we place unrealistic, unattainable expectations on ourselves, and set ourselves up for failure, which leads to a steady stream of negative thoughts and feelings towards ourselves.

Whether your perfectionistic focus is on the work that you do, relationships you are in, the type of parent you are, keeping a tidy home (these are some of the areas I struggle with the most), or something else, the end result of perfectionism is often a thought like: “if I were _______, I would be able to do this.” Fill in the blank with whatever fits. Better, smarter, taller, more attractive, more like him or her, more like those other people, faster, in better shape, richer, more successful, etc. The list goes on and on. Thoughts like this breed a subtle but very real sense of dissatisfaction towards self. We become unkind and judgy towards ourselves, eventually maybe even telling ourselves things like “you’re so stupid, why did you do that?” or “this is not that hard, why are you so incompetent?” or “everyone else can do this, what’s wrong with you?” or “wow, you just suck at everything.” I hope these statements don’t sound familiar to you, but if they do, it’s so important to identify these thoughts when you have them, and then make an intentional effort to change how you think about and talk to yourself. A more positive view of yourself will subsequently lead to more joy, more peace, and a deeper sense of fulfillment and satisfaction in your life, instead of existing in a space where you always feel inadequate and/or like a failure.

Negative thoughts, like those mentioned above, in which we degrade ourselves, are based in lies. The belief that we would be more valuable or matter more if we could do x or y is directly tied to the belief that “as I am right now, in this moment, I am not enough.” If we do not understand our value and our worth, and the fact that our worth is NOT linked to what we DO, then it is just that much easier to have a regular routine of negative self talk. The truth is, you are enough. Right now. Without making any changes. In your imperfection. You are enough. Your value is not determined by your actions, by who has hurt you, by mistakes that you have made, or by how much money you have. The fact that you are a human being means that you are worthy of love and kindness and that you are valuable. Period. The more you believe that you are worthy of love, the better you will be able to love yourself.

As a first year resident physician and mom of 2 little ones, I have LOTS of opportunities for negative self talk. I often feel that I could/should be doing more, be doing things with my family or at work better, that I should know more medicine, etc. I have been a perfectionist since high school, and it is TOUGH to unlearn. But I am becoming more aware of the plethora of unkind thoughts towards myself, and making a conscious effort to choose to think differently. It is uncomfortable. It feels forced sometimes. But I am choosing to speak like over myself. To only say things to myself that I would want someone to say to my children. I am new at it, but my view of myself is changing, and my confidence, joy, and peace are growing. It’s well worth the effort.