A Black Woman’s Letter to Anger

Dear Anger,

First and foremost, I apologize. Please forgive me for being so unkind to you. Borderline abusive. Keeping you locked away and starved. Telling you that you are too ugly, undesirable, and make people too uncomfortable for me to ever let you see the light of day or get any attention. Whenever you would start to creep up because of some new acute upset, I’d let you out as long as you promised to talk about ONLY the acute new issue, and then I’d lock you away again, hastily, controllingly, before you had the chance to make it look like you were in charge. Before you had the chance to bring up the long list of agitants, aggravants, fears and furies that you brood over daily from your dungeon. I’ve made you hide. I’ve made you stay silent. Forcefully. Oppressively. Told you to shut up so that we could save face and not be a stereotype (read: Angry Black Woman). Why am I so afraid of being a stereotype? Why did I choose not being perceived as a stereotype over you? You’re a part of me. You didn’t deserve that. Sounds like something I need to talk to Fear about. 

Now that I’ve addressed the apology, it’s time to say thank you.

You have been a constant friend. One who cares deeply about injustice and systemic problems like racism, sexism, homophobia, and the way capitalism tends to value money over human life. You have wanted to cry out whenever love is not the priority, and whenever you’ve heard the same lies from the pulpit that had my mind warped as a teenager to the point that I thought I couldn’t hear God for myself. You’ve wanted to flare up all throughout my 7 years of medical education, when you realized the ridiculous demand that is placed on a human body in training. You’ve had your voice stifled by me even through and after the traumatic birth of my son. THANK YOU. For caring. For your tenacity. For continuing to fight for your right to speak up even though I’ve tried so hard – and succeeded – to keep you small and quiet over all these years. Thank you for wanting justice, for wanting wrongs righted, for wanting to spread the news about problems so that solutions could be identified. Thank you for doing exactly what you are supposed to do. Thank you for your forgiveness for my ignoring you for all these years. Thank you for your resilience and your consistency, and for not giving up or allowing your flame to die out.

Now. As for our relationship moving forward. 

I promise that I will do my best not to ignore you. I will not be perfect at it because bad habits die hard, but I promise to be intentional and put my best foot forward. I promise to let you speak out, and we’re going to work on showing up in a way that allows you to be your full, vocal, furious self when you need to, without causing harm to me or others. We are a team. Me, you, and lots of other emotions and parts. You’ve been the most neglected of late, and now it’s your time to shine. I invite you to speak truth and prompt change. Thank you for the courage that you are giving me to pursue healing and to become more of who I am created to be. You are important. I see you. I will give you space. Space to erupt when you need to erupt. Space to bubble under the surface for as long as you need to.

I promise to do my best to give you the time, attention, and space that you need in order to do your job, which will ultimately help us both, and many of the people around us.

Sincerely,

You’re friend, Jené