ME-iversary

Today is an important day for me. A day of reflection. Of celebration. Of grieving. Of feeling. Of rest. Of peace. Of power. I am not exaggerating by even one day regarding any of the “exactly”s below. And I do not believe they are a coincidence.

Exactly 14 years ago today, I got married. I was 21 years old. I was scared. And excited. And certain. And hopeful.

Exactly 6 weeks ago today, my divorce was finalized. It was my choice, and one that I made very carefully, with great intention. With this choice, came great peace. It marked a new beginning.

Exactly 4 months ago today, I got the keys to my new home. God told me not to skip requesting a tour for this townhome listing (I initially skipped it because I thought I could not afford it). He repeated “don’t skip that one,” and he told me that I would love it. Four days later, I was handed the keys. And I absolutely love it.

Today also marks exactly 24 weeks of gestation for the beautiful little girl growing inside my womb, which happens to also be the earliest age of viability for a fetus. Yes, he is the father. No, this was not the plan. I am absolutely ecstatic about and grateful for her existence. It did take me some time to get to that point.

Exactly 1 year ago today, while we were out to dinner celebrating our union, I asked him if he had been unfaithful. My intuition knew before I asked. His silence and the surprised look on his face confirmed what I already knew.

What ensued over the next several months was a tumultuous avalanche of conversations, emotions, tears, fears, rage, depression, marriage therapy, individual therapy, energy work, separation, reconciliation, feeling, grieving, growing, celebrating, and healing. During those months, we talked about things we had never talked about. Shared things we had never shared. Brought to the light things that we had been sweeping under the rug for years. In many ways, we were more vulnerable with each other during that time than we had ever been before. After several months of excruciating pain and intense and intentional hard work, reconciliation was happening. We decided to go on vacation. By the end of that trip, our hope for the future of our relationship was at an all-time high. I got pregnant shortly thereafter.

But then, I started to witness the recurrence of some old patterns. I could see more clearly, because of the work that I had been doing to feel and heal and process and grow, that these patterns were emotionally harmful to me. I knew that I had put forth my very best effort to reconcile, and that I now had to make one of two choices: I could choose to stay and continue to be harmed, or I could choose to remove myself from the harm. With our two children, plus one on the way, leaving did not seem like a viable option. What made the most sense to the fearful, guilty, unhealed parts of me (which were the most familiar and, dare I say, comfortable with these unhealthy patterns and cycles) was that I had to keep toughing it out “for the sake of the kids.” To minimize the collateral damage. To prevent the stigma of divorce that I honestly still feel nervous about even as I am writing these words today. I believed that, instead, I should be the collateral damage. After all, I was strong enough to take it, and I had already been pushing through it for years.

The difference now, though, was that I had been doing my healing work, so now I knew better. And I could not unknow what I now knew. The more I prayed and talked with my support people, the more clearly I could see that staying in a relationship that was actually harming me was not good for me or my children. In fact, if I stayed, I would actually be modeling behavior for them that I would not want them to follow. I would be leading them, by my own example, to continue in the same unhealthy cycles and patterns. Once I realized this, and heard God tell me once again (as he had said many times since I found out about the infidelity) “you have a choice,” I knew what choice would be the best and healthiest for me, and thus, also for my children.

Things moved rapidly as I made the decision to move out and get my own place just a few months ago. The divorce was finalized much more quickly than I anticipated. I have experienced a sense of peace of mind that I truly did not know was possible. I have learned over this past year to let myself feel it all so that I can move through it and not stay stuck. I am still grieving what was, even while I celebrate and anticipate what is to come.

My children continue to know that they are loved, and they are adjusting quite well to all of the rapid changes. They are so amazing and so beautiful. They ask lots of questions, which is wonderful, and they are processing it all in their own way. My 7 year old daughter has asked me more than once if I’m happier and less stressed now that I am no longer living with/married to her dad. Apparently, she has noticed a change in me.

I am learning to co-parent. I am learning to give myself grace and space. I am learning to REST and BE instead of always striving to DO DO DO. (For a long time, I have found my worth and value in what I DO, but I am holding on more and more to the truth that I am a human BEING, not a human DOING). I am learning to set boundaries. I am learning how powerful I am, and to embrace and walk in that power instead of dimming my light and making myself small and quiet, as society has taught me to do since I was a little girl. I am learning to love me in bigger, bolder ways. I am learning to listen to my body and not betray or ignore myself. I am learning to stop putting myself last, because when I am at my best, I can be far more present and intentional with others. Believe it or not, when I take care of myself, everything is better. Self-care is not selfish. That is a lie that many people-pleasing-perfectionists with poor boundaries (I am a recovering one of those) believe. (Check out Nedra Glover Tawwab’s book Set Boundaries, Find Peace. I’m listening to it currently.)

I feel so grateful for the intimacy that exists in my relationship with God. God leads me and guides me in the minutiae of the day to day. I am never alone, and I am so grateful that I don’t feel alone. I am so aware of his presence with me. Sometimes I’m still scared, but I choose to keep moving forward, hand in hand with the Lord, while feeling the fear. I am so grateful that I am continuing to grow and heal and grieve and feel. I feel alive and expectant and hopeful in ways that I did not anticipate. And growing a human while going through this adventure feels like such a gift.

I have decided to write a book about my journey, after lots of nudges from the Lord. It will lay out some of my experiences, and some of the lessons that they have taught me, from my childhood until now. The working title is Naked/Shameless. I’m at 7,000 words! Things are off to a great start. My life, my book, my story, my future. I feel like I am at the beginning of a great adventure with the Lord. I am so grateful for it and excited about it. I’ll keep you posted!